can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
