The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
