Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
