so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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