Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
