How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Randomize
