Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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