I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
