Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Randomize
