You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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