why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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