We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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