i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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