Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
