The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
