someone threw a dead crab at me
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
