Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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