Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
