You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
