I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
