You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
