dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
