Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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