He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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