Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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