There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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