my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Randomize
