Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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