I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
smell my finger.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
