"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
