Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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