i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
