Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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