the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
In other news, I just burned my penis
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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