I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I think i got beer on your cat.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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