I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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