I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
They are going to name an STD after you.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
