What did we do last night that was yellow?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
