Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
