My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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