my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
