i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
