Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
