At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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