dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
