Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
