Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
