I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
