Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I cut my penus on the lid.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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