I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
